Waking Up in the Mourning

One day you will wake up and they will not be next to you. The life you knew will no longer be there. The one you loved will no longer be beside you. You will know that there is no going back.

Making peace with the new reality can feel impossible. The aching in the heart can feel endless. The only calm the soul finds is in the brief moments of morning twilight; moments when the mind does not remember what has happened. But then it does remember, and there is no going back.

The world keeps turning. And one day we will no longer be on this planet. But that day is not today. Today we need to get dressed, respond to emails, and feed the cat. We need to show up for the others and we need to show up for ourselves.

​As much as we might wish it weren't true, it is much more difficult to lie down and die than we would like.

So get action. Inertia is real, so move. Go on an ugly run. Force yourself to dance for five goddamn minutes to some terrible white girl pop. Rearrange your sock drawer. Call your grandmother. Just get action. This break up isn't going to kill you, but it can be cripple you if you don’t get up.

Get off the Netflix. Only watch YouTube for DIYs that you will actually do, or stupid meme compilations that help you remember the silly in the world. Pray to whatever powers you hold dear to see you through. Please, just get action.

There is quicksand in the mind, watch yourself if you start to sink on the tides. There are shadows in the night; let the voices wash over you without paying it mind. Never feed the trolls. The people who love you will support you; know which ones who can hold your grieving and cry with them. Do not seek help from people who will try to distract you. Seek help from those who can see you through.
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Courage my dear. This will be rough. This will be painful. This will be confusing. This too will pass.
The drama of this life is a love drama. We are the mammal kind, we are hardwired to connect. We are the human kind; we are deeply flawed people. Do not fight it. Let the crazies pass through without identifying as them. This too will pass.

One day it will be different. But not today. Today is going to keep hurting, and tomorrow will hurt, and next Wednesday will hurt. But remember love; you are not the hurt. The hurt is moving through you, so let it pass on through.

Use your tears. Use your dance. Use your art. Move the hurt and the hurt will be moved. Ignore the pain and the pain will own you. We must have our hearts break again and again and again. We must continue to stand up and thrive. We all hurt. We all must wash the dishes.
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Breathe. Forgive yourself. Forgive the Other. Not because it is the right thing to to, but because it is the only medicine that is worth a damn. All else is moonshine.

There will be a time when this does not matter like it matters now. There will be a time when gratitude will begin to shine through. There will be a time when this experience anchors the pattern of your life. Today is not that time, but one day it will be.

Until then breathe. Get up. Move your body. And don't forget to grieve.

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